This is what I think.

I have a lot of things running through my mind once again. So many regrets. So many mistakes and careless decisions. There are important things I must prioritize but don’t. I’m honestly getting tired of myself for failing to grow up and mature and become more dependable. I still act like a spoiled child. I spend away thinking “It’s okay, the grown ups will handle that.” When I should be thinking “I should think twice, thrice, ten times about this because I am already part of the adult crowd” and in truth I should already be providing for my family by this time. I should’ve graduated already. But here I am, still being a burden to them. The least I could do is to do my best in everything academic related. And yet, there I was, still indulging myself with unimportant things that aren’t urgent. My guilty pleasures. Waste of time, waste of time, waste of a lot of time. How can I be given a mature relationship when I myself am not mature enough? I always list down resolutions without ever following them. I have been a great disappointment, not just to my family, but to myself. I shouldn’t let other people affect my principles. Do I even have my own? I was so busy trying to be something I’m not sure I even want to be.  How could I have let myself be dragged into things that I usually wouldn’t? It’s nothing short of disgusting.

Individuality is important. Yes, other people influence us, only influence and NOT dictate. I can still be saved from this. I can still be a better person. It’s impossible to start over so I will just have to pull the harmful weeds and sow good seeds. I know I can be better than this. The problem is that I’ve focused on the wrong prize for the past few years. It was stupid and desperate to try and find the shortcut because there never was. To complete the puzzle, every piece must be found and fitted in the right place. It takes time and patience. Because if we just filled the space with random pieces that don’t fit, there wouldn’t be a meaningful picture made. And then we’ll regret and say “I should’ve been more patient”, “I should’ve thought about it more”, “I should’ve reviewed my choices”, so that looking at the finished picture would have been more gratifying. So that we could tell ourselves, “That beautiful picture? I worked hard for that. It took me a lot of time and it may have given me different levels of frustrations, but it was worth it, because it looks just perfect on the wall above the love seat my husband and I bought last week.” Yes, it’s a weird representation. But I hope you do get my drift.
This is what I think. Of myself, of my life.

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September 2012
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